Friday, August 24, 2007

Total Kaos Offers Methane Credits

It is high time, my friends, for the denial to end. Time for each of us to bear the ultimate responsibility we owe to our children and to their children as well. Time to stand up for what is right. Time to sacrifice for the common good. Yes, comrades, it is time to pay the piper.

Der Spiegel’s recent expose uncovering the ominous role of ungulates, moose in particular, in the disaster that is Global Warming should be a wake up call to us all.

Each moose, it has been learned, expels approximately 2 tons of methane gas per year. This equates to a 13,000 km trip in an automobile.

Methane, a Global Warming pollutant, is one of the major gases responsible for the coming Climate Change Armageddon. In fact, it is 23 times more potent than carbon.

We have all heard of Carbon Credits...the idea of buying credits toward reducing one’s personal carbon footprint.

With this in mind, we here at Total Kaos believe it is time to begin a similar program. Methane Credits.

Here is how the program will work. For a mere $5000 investment(1 Methane Credit...Possibly tax deductable-check with your financial advisor), any self proclaimed champion of the environment can do his or her part to save the planet from total eco-annihilation. With the remittance of this small stipend, one of our Ungulate Warriors will posthaste be sent into the field in order to restore true balance to the state of nature. His intent, to remove a single Alces alces. This honorable deed will subtract from the total Climate Change devastation by 2 entire tons. Helping to keep the world that much cooler for your children.

But that’s not all. All the meat, not taken personally by the Ungulate Warrior himself, will be donated to such worthy causes as homeless programs, women’s shelters, hungry children, African famine relief, and Chinese pet food companies.

And there’s more. You will receive a special numbered certificate authenticating your planet salvaging Methane Credit. As well, every moose taken will be photographed and hoof printed, and you will receive a copy of each for your records...or just to show off to your friends.

As if this were not enough, we are throwing in your choice of our world famous bumper stickers:

Methane Hunter: Protector of the Environment

We Hunt...For the Children

Ungulate Warriors, Saviors of the Earth

We Hunt...So You Don’t Have To

Saving the Planet, One Moose at a Time

We Kill Them Before They Kill Our World

Mill Koose

Give a Peace of Moose Meat a Chance

That’s a $20 value, yours free.

*As a special offer, we are allowing any Warming Warriors who have purchased at least 1 Methane Credit the ability to become Ungulate Squires. Not only will you receive a special Ungulate Squire hat, but a photo card of your personal Ungulate Warrior, as well. As with any squire there are certain duties and responsibilities that come with the title. We’re not asking you to clean stables or sharpen swords, but sending remittance to your Ungulate Warrior for daily expenses such as weapon upkeep, hotel fees, and other needed resources will be expected and appreciated.

**Total Kaos: Protectorate Illuminati of the Global Environment, are in the process of recruiting Ungulate Warriors.

Applicants must have experience in the field of ungulate reduction. Hunting, fishing, or outdoors experience is a must.

Applicant must show a proficiency in the use of rifles, shotguns, and archery equipment.

An interest in protecting and conserving the environment, and a willingness to restore it to Pre-Cambrian levels is a plus. Applicants must be willing to put their own lives on the line to protect the future of our children.

We cannot stress enough the importance of a taste for, and a willingness to provide Total Kaos members with, large amounts of Tennessee whiskey.

The Final Argument Against the Term 'Chicken-Hawk'

The logic behind the slur of ‘chicken-hawk’ is simply that the so called ‘chicken-hawk’ has never been in the military so thus has no experience and cannot opine upon anything to do with the military, wars, military action, and so on.
To that I say, the user of the slur has never been a ‘chicken-hawk’. He has no experience being a ‘chicken-hawk’ and can thus not truly use the term as he can not know anything about it. I, on the other hand, through his own disparagence, am a ‘chicken-hawk. And being a ‘chicken-hawk’, state that he should have no opinion upon things he obviously knows nothing about.
Done. Argument over, go back to your basement.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Historic Heroes of Global Warming

With our future doomed to the devastating effects of man made Global Warming and our present beseeched by floods, storms, and heat waves; I feel it is important to look to the past for inspiration. To find those great men who fought in the front lines in the battle against climate change. Yes, to unearth the Historic Heroes of Global Warming.

First, let us begin in October of 1492 with our first hero Christopher Columbus. It was he who brought small pox and other Old World diseases to the New World. Estimates of the native population of the Americas at that time reach as high as 80,000,000. Some say that the mortality rate from these diseases reached 94 percent. Even if these numbers are highly exaggerated, it seems safe to say over 40,000,000 Native Americans died from diseases brought to the New World by Christopher Columbus and others like him. Today we know modern Americans are responsible for 22 tons of carbon dioxide a year. If Native Americans, who made wood fires for everything from cooking to religious ceremonies, even total half of that then Mr. Columbus is responsible for are massive carbon credit of 400,000,000 tons. That is per year. I shudder to think how hot it would be today had Christopher Columbus not sailed the ocean blue.

Now to 1633 and our next great hero Pope Urban VIII. It was he who imprisoned the heretic Galileo Galilei for the insane idea that the sun was the center of the solar system. The madman had some hair brained idea that this huge fiery ball had some sort of an effect upon the our planet, Earth. Excommunication is too small a penalty for such blaspheme. Yes, Pope Urban VIII was far ahead of his time as today we know that the sun has absolutely no effect whatsoever on this planet we call home.

Let us go back to the New World for our third hero, Buffalo Bill Cody. Between 1868 and 1881 it is estimated that 31,000,000 buffalo were slaughtered in Kansas alone. Buffalo Bill was said to be personally responsible for reducing their numbers by 4000 in only 2 years. It is said that modern day cows, much smaller than buffalo, produce 280 liters of methane per day and are responsible for “four percent of global greenhouse gas emissions”. Thanks to Mr. Cody and his friends, and using only the amount of methane from proportionally tiny modern cows, Kansas was relieved of the burden of 8,680,000,000 liters of methane per day. If stretched out to a year, we’re talking real numbers here.

But one needn’t fear that the 20th century has no Global Warming heroes. Here we shall save space by lumping many of the great modern day carbon fighters together. Adolph Hitler, it is said, is responsible for the deaths of nearly 21 million human beings. Joseph Stalin nearly 62 million. And we can not forget Mao Tse-Tung and his 77 million. Again we multiply those numbers by the yearly carbon dioxide output of 22 tons a year and we come up with the astrological number of 3,520,000,000 tons of carbon dioxide per year. How can the modern day carbon warrior not cower in awe at the feet of such greatness?

Ah, but there are so many ways to fight the good fight. Our next hero Jim Jones knew this all too well. In the mid 1970's he founded Jonestown in Guyana. A People’s paradise, where all food was to be produced within the settlement by members of the Peoples Temple. No need for carbon spewing trucks, trains, and boats. No need for energy sucking cooling units to keep the food products fresh. The ultimate in local economies. A modern day carbon Eden, if only it hadn’t been for all that other stuff that happened.

Now back across the Atlantic to our next paragon of climate protection, not a single person, but the heroes at Planned Parenthood. Since 1973, and the Roe vs. Wade decision, it is estimated that over 48 million abortions have been performed in the United States. Again we use our average for yearly carbon dioxide output...22 tons per person. That is an amazing 1,056,000,000 tons of CO2 never to pollute our shared atmosphere annually. Good thing for us that all those babies, oops I mean fetuses, never saw the light of day.

Joseph Campbell once said that all men need heroes. I hope that the soldiers in the battle against complete climate catastrophe gained some amount of inspiration and peace of mind from the Historic Heroes of Global Warming I have listed here. Our planet’s future may be bleak, but you can rest a bit easier with the knowledge that if not for the warriors that came before it would today be even bleaker still.

Now available at your local Wal-Mart, Historic Heroes of Global Warming action figures.
*All figurines are manufactured only in third world sweat shops by children who are, of course, doomed to short life spans which lower their lifetime carbon footprint.