Historic Heroes of Global Warming

With our future doomed to the devastating effects of man made Global Warming and our present beseeched by floods, storms, and heat waves; I feel it is important to look to the past for inspiration. To find those great men who fought in the front lines in the battle against climate change. Yes, to unearth the Historic Heroes of Global Warming.

First, let us begin in October of 1492 with our first hero Christopher Columbus. It was he who brought small pox and other Old World diseases to the New World. Estimates of the native population of the Americas at that time reach as high as 80,000,000. Some say that the mortality rate from these diseases reached 94 percent. Even if these numbers are highly exaggerated, it seems safe to say over 40,000,000 Native Americans died from diseases brought to the New World by Christopher Columbus and others like him. Today we know modern Americans are responsible for 22 tons of carbon dioxide a year. If Native Americans, who made wood fires for everything from cooking to religious ceremonies, even total half of that then Mr. Columbus is responsible for are massive carbon credit of 400,000,000 tons. That is per year. I shudder to think how hot it would be today had Christopher Columbus not sailed the ocean blue.

Now to 1633 and our next great hero Pope Urban VIII. It was he who imprisoned the heretic Galileo Galilei for the insane idea that the sun was the center of the solar system. The madman had some hair brained idea that this huge fiery ball had some sort of an effect upon the our planet, Earth. Excommunication is too small a penalty for such blaspheme. Yes, Pope Urban VIII was far ahead of his time as today we know that the sun has absolutely no effect whatsoever on this planet we call home.

Let us go back to the New World for our third hero, Buffalo Bill Cody. Between 1868 and 1881 it is estimated that 31,000,000 buffalo were slaughtered in Kansas alone. Buffalo Bill was said to be personally responsible for reducing their numbers by 4000 in only 2 years. It is said that modern day cows, much smaller than buffalo, produce 280 liters of methane per day and are responsible for “four percent of global greenhouse gas emissions”. Thanks to Mr. Cody and his friends, and using only the amount of methane from proportionally tiny modern cows, Kansas was relieved of the burden of 8,680,000,000 liters of methane per day. If stretched out to a year, we’re talking real numbers here.

But one needn’t fear that the 20th century has no Global Warming heroes. Here we shall save space by lumping many of the great modern day carbon fighters together. Adolph Hitler, it is said, is responsible for the deaths of nearly 21 million human beings. Joseph Stalin nearly 62 million. And we can not forget Mao Tse-Tung and his 77 million. Again we multiply those numbers by the yearly carbon dioxide output of 22 tons a year and we come up with the astrological number of 3,520,000,000 tons of carbon dioxide per year. How can the modern day carbon warrior not cower in awe at the feet of such greatness?

Ah, but there are so many ways to fight the good fight. Our next hero Jim Jones knew this all too well. In the mid 1970's he founded Jonestown in Guyana. A People’s paradise, where all food was to be produced within the settlement by members of the Peoples Temple. No need for carbon spewing trucks, trains, and boats. No need for energy sucking cooling units to keep the food products fresh. The ultimate in local economies. A modern day carbon Eden, if only it hadn’t been for all that other stuff that happened.

Now back across the Atlantic to our next paragon of climate protection, not a single person, but the heroes at Planned Parenthood. Since 1973, and the Roe vs. Wade decision, it is estimated that over 48 million abortions have been performed in the United States. Again we use our average for yearly carbon dioxide output...22 tons per person. That is an amazing 1,056,000,000 tons of CO2 never to pollute our shared atmosphere annually. Good thing for us that all those babies, oops I mean fetuses, never saw the light of day.

Joseph Campbell once said that all men need heroes. I hope that the soldiers in the battle against complete climate catastrophe gained some amount of inspiration and peace of mind from the Historic Heroes of Global Warming I have listed here. Our planet’s future may be bleak, but you can rest a bit easier with the knowledge that if not for the warriors that came before it would today be even bleaker still.


Postscript:
Now available at your local Wal-Mart, Historic Heroes of Global Warming action figures.
*All figurines are manufactured only in third world sweat shops by children who are, of course, doomed to short life spans which lower their lifetime carbon footprint.