Sunday, October 23, 2011

Occupy Soldier Field

Good morning, comrades. “Good morning, comrades.” And thank you for participating in Occupy Soldier Field. “And thank you for participating in Occupy Soldier Field.” OK, enough of the creepy ‘human microphone‘ thing. “OK, enough of the creepy ‘human microphone‘ thing.” No, really, stop.
Before we get started let’s give a big hand to 99 percenter’s George Soros, Michael Moore, and Kanye West for stopping down to give their support on the way up to their luxury box seats. And how about a shout out to our friends from the Communist Party USA and the American Nazi Party for helping keep order down here on the field. My assistants inform me we haven’t had a theft, rape or molestation yet and we’ve been here for nearly an hour! In your face, Cleveland!
But, friends, today we are here to shine the light of justice on yet another blatant example of income disparity in America. Are you aware, brothers and sisters, that the average NFL player earns $1.9 million a year? I repeat, $1.9 million per year! And, are you aware that the average disposable income for the American citizen is a mere $32,479 per year? This, my friends, is not justice. It works out that these fat cat players earn 60 times the yearly income of the average American. Sixty times! And who knows what Big Ownership takes in. This, comrades, is not the America in which I would choose to reside!
Their despicable greed knows no bounds. Here in the very stadium in which we stand, one of the biggest current stories involves running back Matt Forte. He currently earns $600,000 a year. Is he happy earning 20 times what the average American does? No! His avarice is infinite. His greed unbound! Are these the values that capitalism instills? Then, friends, capitalism must die!
And do they pay their fair share? I shout a resounding, NO! They invest their money tax free in Wall Street. In Wall Street, brothers and sisters! And they buy real estate. For themselves. Where is the Main Street in that? They are reneging on their side of the Social Contract. They are not paying ‘their fair share’!
And what‘s worse, just this weekend we have seen them callously shipping American jobs overseas. The Bears/Buccaneers game is being played in England! The very same England we fought in our revolution. Maybe, friends, it is time for a new revolution. Against Big Football, against fat cat players, against evil greedy coaches.
And what have any of them actually accomplished? It is merely the whim of fortune that has given them their physical prowess. Where is the fairness in that, I ask. Why should we less physically fortunate not be allowed the same access to the game as they? Is it right that mere fate decides who plays and who does not. I say NO! I say that until you and I are able to start at running back for the Chicago Bears that there is no fairness in America! Justice demands it! NO, we 99 percent demand it!
Lastly, our Top 10 list of demands:
1. The Chicago Bears immediately cut Adam Podlesh and Gabe Carimi and send them back where they came from.
2. Free Guy Fawkes masked for all children this Halloween season.
3. Extra police cars for the ladies in order to shorten the toilet lines.
4. Canadian corporation, Adbusters, be given American tax-free status.
5. U.N. peacekeepers to protect the protesters from police brutality.
6. Smoke alarms free with every purchase of an American flag.
7. A complete list of home addresses for every NFL player.
8. Forgiveness of all debt past, present, and future for everyone everywhere, except for the top 1%.
9. No more negative connotation connected to the words “in your parents basement”.
10. The words ‘marxism‘, ‘communism‘, ‘liberalism‘, and ‘progressivism’ to be purged from all documents and language and replaced with the words ‘Democratic state religion’.
Can I get an amen? “Amen”. God, is that annoying.