Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Random Thoughts

All you need to know about your choice of political parties lies in the answers to these two questions...
1) Which party loses when the economy, as it is now doing, continues to boom?
2) Which party loses when U.S. forces and the Iraqi people establish a sustainable government in Iraq?

Is anyone else as sick as I am of the abortion debate? How did we come to the point in our political discourse where the killing of unborn humans is a major precursor of elective status?

When are you Leftists gonna do something about the monopoly Santa Claus holds over the manufacturing, delivery, and disbursal of gifts at Christmastime? What about all those jobs outsourced to the Arctic? And you can’t tell me he’s paying those underprivileged, pointy-eared, ice slaves a living wage. How ‘bout health that Jolly Old Elf ain’t popping for that. C’mon, you call yourselves activists?

How is it that referring to a Colorado blue spruce, glowing with tinsel and lights and perched in a park knee deep in December snow, as a ‘Christmas Tree’ has become ‘controversial’?

Could any of you feminists let me know if there is any single action a man can make that is not in some way to be construed as rape?

Monday, November 28, 2005

Sorry Soros, It's Christmastime

I love this time of year. There is so much to enjoy. To experience. To be thankful for.
Things such as Christmas music, Christmas cookies, Christmas lights, Christmas parties, Christmas parades, Christmas movies and Christmas classics, Christmas dinners with a Christmas goose, Christmas trees with Christmas ornaments, Christmas lists, Christmas vacation, Christmas caroling, Christmas stories of Christmases past, Christmas shopping, Christmas presents, Christmas giving, Christmas masses, Christmas cheer, Christmas eve and Christmas day, Christmas greetings, Christmas cards, and Christm...
Whoops, there’s the door. Looks like the ACLU....
Well then, Happy Holidays everyone!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

My Blue State Thanksgiving

GBlagg: Hello, Ted.
Ted Kennedy: GBlagg...
GBlagg: 'Bout time you got here.
Ted K.: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
GBlagg: Damn, 'cuz I'd of offered the world.
Ted K.: How can you say that? Don't you remember the time we had last year?
GBlagg: I've been trying to forget. Still can't get those water stains out of the interior of my Oldsmobile.
Ted K.: Sorry 'bout that one...
GBlagg: You promised we'd float...
Ted K.: Thought I'd finally got that figured out. Oh well, I'm here now. And guess what? I brought some friends.
GBlagg: Oh, boy...
Ted K.: So, should we get started?
GBlagg: Already have. The oil's up to temperature and the birds already in.
Ted K.: You started without me?
GBlagg: Don't you remember? You just called me and agreed I could drop the turkey in the oil...
Ted K.: Sure that's what I said, but you know I meant we should do it as a coalition.
John Kerry: I told you Ted, it's the wrong bird at the wrong time.
Ted K.: But you agreed we should start the frying too...
John K.: OK, but now I'm saying we shouldn't have.
GBlagg: So what you're saying, John, is you voted for frying the turkey before you voted against it.
John K.: Your words, not mine.
GBlagg: So your saying I should take the turkey out, then?
Ted K.: Don't put words in our mouths. We support the turkey, just not the cooking of it.
GBlagg: I'm getting a headache. Ted, can you please tell Ms. Sheehan she can come in. She looks pathetic out there by the side of the road and she's depressing the folks in the Bipolar Ward next door.
Ted K.: Hey Cindy, the Universe called, it wants you in here.
Cindy Sheehan: Why won't he just talk to me? Doesn't he see my loss?
GBlagg: What the hell is she doing?
Ted K.: I think she's talking to a plant.
Bill Maher: Cindy, you moron. That's a rose bush, not George Bush!
GBlagg: I need an Advil...
Bill M.: Hey, dude, what 'cha cookin' the carcass in?
GBlagg: Peanut oil.
Bill M.: Smells good, who makes it?
GBlagg: I don't friggin' know, look on the box.
Bill M.: Hey, this crap comes from the Middle East.
GBlagg: Here we go...
Bill M.: I knew it, I was right all along, it was a war for oil! Peanut oil! That damn Rove, he doesn't miss a trick.
GBlagg: Ted, can you do something with Maher? Otherwise his pasty face is gonna enter the boiling quagmire right next to the Butterball.
Ted K.: Bill, why don't you go sit in the livingroom for awhile. They're showing young boys dancing in tights on the LOGO channel.
Bill M.: Whoo hoo!
Dick Durbin: Hey, GBlagg.
GBlagg: Well hello, Dick.
Dick D.: You know you can call me Richard.
GBlagg: Oh, that's OK. I much prefer Dick, Dick.
Dick D.: Quite a bird you've got there. It's a free range, I hope.
GBlagg: Don't know, don't's a Butterball.
Dick D.: 'Cuz those turkey farms are like Gulags, you know. In fact, I recently received an e-mail from one of those unfortunate birds speaking of the horrors of being force fed, never getting any exercise, and being forced to see other turkeys naked.
GBlagg: Just shut up, Dick.
Laurie David: You mean that's a real turkey? Oh my God, I'm going to be sick. Ted, you told me we would be having Tofurkey!
Ted K.: Truth is, Laurie, at that moment I'd have told you anything...
Laurie D.: And how hot is that oil? 350 degrees? Don't you know a thing about Global Warming? Every degree hotter your oil is , is that much warmer the climate becomes. Hold on a minute, I think I've got the statistics in a handout out in the stretch we drove up from Vegas. I'll go grab it...
GBlagg: Don't bother...Now who the hell is that?
Ted K.: Oh that's just Emeril Mertha, he's here to tell you when to take the turkey out.
GBlagg: He's what?!?
Emeril Mertha: You must take the bird out immediately! This just isn't working.
GBlagg: What are you an idiot? It's not done yet.
Ted K.: How dare you question Emeril's judgement. He's a chef. Have you ever been a chef, GBlagg? No, of course not, damn turkeyhawk.
GBlagg: Ted, I'd call you an ass, but my respect for asses forbids it. If we take the turkey out now, it will be dangerous to eat it. It'll be full of salmonella.
Al Franken: GBlagg, you're a liar. That turkey is making more salmonella sitting there boiling in oil.
GBlagg: Hello, Stuart. Remember that whole 'and gosh darn it people like me' routine? 'Bout time to rethink it, I'd say.
Al F.: You think you're so funny, but I'll do the comedy here, thank you.
GBlagg: Well, you're half right.
Al F.: Liar.
GBlagg: Hey, look at the time...birds about done.
John K.: Let me take it out, I'm a Viet Nam veteran.
GBlagg: Ok, but...John, look out you idiot, you gonna knock over the boiling oil...
John K.: Oh God, there it goes!!!
GBlagg: Kerry, you moron, there's hot oil everywhere...
Ted K.: It's a disaster!!! Where is FEMA? Where the hell is FEMA?
GBlagg: It's OK, Ted. The turkeys fine. I'll just carve it and we can sit down and eat.
Katie Couric: How can we eat poultry with the bird flu pandemic looming above our heads?
GBlagg: It'll be alright, Katie, pull up a high chair and fill your plate. OK, now who wants to say grace...Ted? Bill? Hillary? Michael Newdow? ANYONE?!? Fine, I'll do it. Thank you, Father, for those riches of which we have been endowed. For our most blessed country. For the wisdom of our forefathers. For our non-living Constitution. For our unparalleled freedoms. For the valor and the daily sacrifice of our soldiers. For the gift of free will, in both it's triumphs and responsibilities. For the ability to discern good from evil. And for the will to do something about it. And thank you, too, for 'thankfulness' itself. For it shields us from the evils of envy, greed, and jealousy. For how can we be envious, greedy, or jealous when we are thankful for what we ourselves have? And lastly, thank you Father for the bounty of this feast before us and for the gift of ultimate patience to endure my dinner mates. Amen.
Ted K.: Damn superstitious bastard...
John K.: Chickenhawk...
Bill M.: Red state Christian Fascist...
Al F.: Liar...
Laurie D.: Nazi...
Cindy S.: Neocon...
GBlagg: What are you people whispering about? Hey, Ted, wait a second there. Let's let the children go first.
Ted K.: Greedy little runts...
GBlagg: My God, Ted, they're the children...What about the children?

Crossposted @ The Wide Awakes

Monday, November 21, 2005

Global Warming...12,000 B.C.

Scrog: Krung, wake up!!!
Krung: What is it?!? Is the sabertooth in the garbage again?
Scrog: No you fool. This is important.
Krung: It’d better be, the Sun god has not yet even broken the tops of the distant tree line.
Scrog: Yes, yes, I’ve done it. I’ve finished my climate study.
Krung: You’ve done what? Is there no wood to cut. No flint to sharpen?
Scrog: Just listen cave-bear-dung-for-brains. We are in great danger!
Krung: Danger?!? It’s those damn Neanderthals isn’t it? I told you when they moved into the neighborhood...
Scrog: Shut up you fool. It’s not the Neanderthals, though I did catch that young one cave tagging his clan sign on the grotto wall. Anyways, it’s the weather that’s the danger!
Krung: The weather? Not the volcano, or the meteors, or the roving bands of cannibals? What’s it going to do, rain us to death? What’s wrong, did you miss evolving for a generation or two?
Scrog: No, you thick skulled idiot. Haven’t you been noticing how warm it’s been getting lately?
Krung: Oh, that. I thought I was just entering my latter days. You know hot flashes and all.
Scrog: That may be the case, but there’s more to it than that. You see, Asswipealapithecus, I have been studying the seasonal patterns. The Days of Ice are shortening each hunting cycle. And the Days of Low River are getting longer.
Krung: Say it isn’t so! By the Gods of the winds, are you telling me we’re actually going to have to live without the threat of frostbite? How will I be able to sleep at night worrying that I may not lose a toe or two next Ice cycle?
Scrog: Your sarcasm is wasted here you hairy palmed chimp. Have you not noticed the mammoths have been migrating further north. And the bison. And the giant sloth? Our food supply is abandoning the valley.
Krung: Well, why didn’t you just say that? Here’s a little hint, if you want to get someone’s attention, hit them where it hurts. Without food we will surely starve, and the idea of eating your foul carcass and coughing up hair balls for a week has a somewhat limited appeal to me.
Scrog: Why the earth gods ever endowed you with the ability of language I will never know...
Krung: OK, so we’re screwed. In your studies did you find there is anything we can do. Maybe sacrifice a goat or Cro-Magnon or something?
Scrog: Well, actually, it seems if we and all the other clans stop burning wood in our fires, maybe we could slow the warming down a bit.
Krung: Are you mad, man? How are we gonna stay warm? And the sabertooths and cave bears would just love to stop over for a late night snack.
Scrog: So, what you’re saying is you don’t plan to change a thing to stop the coming disaster?
Krung: Well, do you have any proof it would even help? And maybe we haven’t caused this so called warming anyway. Maybe this is just a normal cycle of climatic change. You know, for the god of the spinning stars to speed up evolution. You believe in evolution, don’t you Scrog?
Scrog: Of course I do, Yeti-boy. But you asked for proof. Here’s your proof...Was it not colder in the times of our ancestors?
Krung: That is the way they tell it, anyway. My father would always tell me how he had to walk ten miles through two feet of snow barefoot just to get to the hunting grounds.
Scrog: Yes, mine as well. And did the gods not give our forefathers the gift of fire?
Krung: Mmmm, fire good.
Scrog: Yes, fire good. So, basically ever since our clans have had fire, our climate has been getting warmer. That enough proof for you?
Krung: OK, so you win. It’s getting warmer. We caused it. So what, you wanna dwell on the negative? Why don’t you go grab your flint board and we’ll head to the endless river, I hear the surf’s up!