My Blue State Thanksgiving

GBlagg: Hello, Ted.
Ted Kennedy: GBlagg...
GBlagg: 'Bout time you got here.
Ted K.: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
GBlagg: Damn, 'cuz I'd of offered the world.
Ted K.: How can you say that? Don't you remember the time we had last year?
GBlagg: I've been trying to forget. Still can't get those water stains out of the interior of my Oldsmobile.
Ted K.: Sorry 'bout that one...
GBlagg: You promised we'd float...
Ted K.: Thought I'd finally got that figured out. Oh well, I'm here now. And guess what? I brought some friends.
GBlagg: Oh, boy...
Ted K.: So, should we get started?
GBlagg: Already have. The oil's up to temperature and the birds already in.
Ted K.: You started without me?
GBlagg: Don't you remember? You just called me and agreed I could drop the turkey in the oil...
Ted K.: Sure that's what I said, but you know I meant we should do it as a coalition.
John Kerry: I told you Ted, it's the wrong bird at the wrong time.
Ted K.: But you agreed we should start the frying too...
John K.: OK, but now I'm saying we shouldn't have.
GBlagg: So what you're saying, John, is you voted for frying the turkey before you voted against it.
John K.: Your words, not mine.
GBlagg: So your saying I should take the turkey out, then?
Ted K.: Don't put words in our mouths. We support the turkey, just not the cooking of it.
GBlagg: I'm getting a headache. Ted, can you please tell Ms. Sheehan she can come in. She looks pathetic out there by the side of the road and she's depressing the folks in the Bipolar Ward next door.
Ted K.: Hey Cindy, the Universe called, it wants you in here.
Cindy Sheehan: Why won't he just talk to me? Doesn't he see my loss?
GBlagg: What the hell is she doing?
Ted K.: I think she's talking to a plant.
Bill Maher: Cindy, you moron. That's a rose bush, not George Bush!
GBlagg: I need an Advil...
Bill M.: Hey, dude, what 'cha cookin' the carcass in?
GBlagg: Peanut oil.
Bill M.: Smells good, who makes it?
GBlagg: I don't friggin' know, look on the box.
Bill M.: Hey, this crap comes from the Middle East.
GBlagg: Here we go...
Bill M.: I knew it, I was right all along, it was a war for oil! Peanut oil! That damn Rove, he doesn't miss a trick.
GBlagg: Ted, can you do something with Maher? Otherwise his pasty face is gonna enter the boiling quagmire right next to the Butterball.
Ted K.: Bill, why don't you go sit in the livingroom for awhile. They're showing young boys dancing in tights on the LOGO channel.
Bill M.: Whoo hoo!
Dick Durbin: Hey, GBlagg.
GBlagg: Well hello, Dick.
Dick D.: You know you can call me Richard.
GBlagg: Oh, that's OK. I much prefer Dick, Dick.
Dick D.: Quite a bird you've got there. It's a free range, I hope.
GBlagg: Don't know, don't care...it's a Butterball.
Dick D.: 'Cuz those turkey farms are like Gulags, you know. In fact, I recently received an e-mail from one of those unfortunate birds speaking of the horrors of being force fed, never getting any exercise, and being forced to see other turkeys naked.
GBlagg: Just shut up, Dick.
Laurie David: You mean that's a real turkey? Oh my God, I'm going to be sick. Ted, you told me we would be having Tofurkey!
Ted K.: Truth is, Laurie, at that moment I'd have told you anything...
Laurie D.: And how hot is that oil? 350 degrees? Don't you know a thing about Global Warming? Every degree hotter your oil is , is that much warmer the climate becomes. Hold on a minute, I think I've got the statistics in a handout out in the stretch we drove up from Vegas. I'll go grab it...
GBlagg: Don't bother...Now who the hell is that?
Ted K.: Oh that's just Emeril Mertha, he's here to tell you when to take the turkey out.
GBlagg: He's what?!?
Emeril Mertha: You must take the bird out immediately! This just isn't working.
GBlagg: What are you an idiot? It's not done yet.
Ted K.: How dare you question Emeril's judgement. He's a chef. Have you ever been a chef, GBlagg? No, of course not, damn turkeyhawk.
GBlagg: Ted, I'd call you an ass, but my respect for asses forbids it. If we take the turkey out now, it will be dangerous to eat it. It'll be full of salmonella.
Al Franken: GBlagg, you're a liar. That turkey is making more salmonella sitting there boiling in oil.
GBlagg: Hello, Stuart. Remember that whole 'and gosh darn it people like me' routine? 'Bout time to rethink it, I'd say.
Al F.: You think you're so funny, but I'll do the comedy here, thank you.
GBlagg: Well, you're half right.
Al F.: Liar.
GBlagg: Hey, look at the time...birds about done.
John K.: Let me take it out, I'm a Viet Nam veteran.
GBlagg: Ok, but...John, look out you idiot, you gonna knock over the boiling oil...
John K.: Oh God, there it goes!!!
GBlagg: Kerry, you moron, there's hot oil everywhere...
Ted K.: It's a disaster!!! Where is FEMA? Where the hell is FEMA?
GBlagg: It's OK, Ted. The turkeys fine. I'll just carve it and we can sit down and eat.
Katie Couric: How can we eat poultry with the bird flu pandemic looming above our heads?
GBlagg: It'll be alright, Katie, pull up a high chair and fill your plate. OK, now who wants to say grace...Ted? Bill? Hillary? Michael Newdow? ANYONE?!? Fine, I'll do it. Thank you, Father, for those riches of which we have been endowed. For our most blessed country. For the wisdom of our forefathers. For our non-living Constitution. For our unparalleled freedoms. For the valor and the daily sacrifice of our soldiers. For the gift of free will, in both it's triumphs and responsibilities. For the ability to discern good from evil. And for the will to do something about it. And thank you, too, for 'thankfulness' itself. For it shields us from the evils of envy, greed, and jealousy. For how can we be envious, greedy, or jealous when we are thankful for what we ourselves have? And lastly, thank you Father for the bounty of this feast before us and for the gift of ultimate patience to endure my dinner mates. Amen.
Ted K.: Damn superstitious bastard...
John K.: Chickenhawk...
Bill M.: Red state Christian Fascist...
Al F.: Liar...
Laurie D.: Nazi...
Cindy S.: Neocon...
GBlagg: What are you people whispering about? Hey, Ted, wait a second there. Let's let the children go first.
Ted K.: Greedy little runts...
GBlagg: My God, Ted, they're the children...What about the children?

Crossposted @ The Wide Awakes