Total Kaos Offers Methane Credits

It is high time, my friends, for the denial to end. Time for each of us to bear the ultimate responsibility we owe to our children and to their children as well. Time to stand up for what is right. Time to sacrifice for the common good. Yes, comrades, it is time to pay the piper.

Der Spiegel’s recent expose uncovering the ominous role of ungulates, moose in particular, in the disaster that is Global Warming should be a wake up call to us all.

Each moose, it has been learned, expels approximately 2 tons of methane gas per year. This equates to a 13,000 km trip in an automobile.

Methane, a Global Warming pollutant, is one of the major gases responsible for the coming Climate Change Armageddon. In fact, it is 23 times more potent than carbon.

We have all heard of Carbon Credits...the idea of buying credits toward reducing one’s personal carbon footprint.

With this in mind, we here at Total Kaos believe it is time to begin a similar program. Methane Credits.

Here is how the program will work. For a mere $5000 investment(1 Methane Credit...Possibly tax deductable-check with your financial advisor), any self proclaimed champion of the environment can do his or her part to save the planet from total eco-annihilation. With the remittance of this small stipend, one of our Ungulate Warriors will posthaste be sent into the field in order to restore true balance to the state of nature. His intent, to remove a single Alces alces. This honorable deed will subtract from the total Climate Change devastation by 2 entire tons. Helping to keep the world that much cooler for your children.

But that’s not all. All the meat, not taken personally by the Ungulate Warrior himself, will be donated to such worthy causes as homeless programs, women’s shelters, hungry children, African famine relief, and Chinese pet food companies.

And there’s more. You will receive a special numbered certificate authenticating your planet salvaging Methane Credit. As well, every moose taken will be photographed and hoof printed, and you will receive a copy of each for your records...or just to show off to your friends.

As if this were not enough, we are throwing in your choice of our world famous bumper stickers:

Methane Hunter: Protector of the Environment

We Hunt...For the Children

Ungulate Warriors, Saviors of the Earth

We Hunt...So You Don’t Have To

Saving the Planet, One Moose at a Time

We Kill Them Before They Kill Our World

Mill Koose

Give a Peace of Moose Meat a Chance

That’s a $20 value, yours free.

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*As a special offer, we are allowing any Warming Warriors who have purchased at least 1 Methane Credit the ability to become Ungulate Squires. Not only will you receive a special Ungulate Squire hat, but a photo card of your personal Ungulate Warrior, as well. As with any squire there are certain duties and responsibilities that come with the title. We’re not asking you to clean stables or sharpen swords, but sending remittance to your Ungulate Warrior for daily expenses such as weapon upkeep, hotel fees, and other needed resources will be expected and appreciated.

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**Total Kaos: Protectorate Illuminati of the Global Environment, are in the process of recruiting Ungulate Warriors.

Applicants must have experience in the field of ungulate reduction. Hunting, fishing, or outdoors experience is a must.

Applicant must show a proficiency in the use of rifles, shotguns, and archery equipment.

An interest in protecting and conserving the environment, and a willingness to restore it to Pre-Cambrian levels is a plus. Applicants must be willing to put their own lives on the line to protect the future of our children.

We cannot stress enough the importance of a taste for, and a willingness to provide Total Kaos members with, large amounts of Tennessee whiskey.