At long last, the moment has finally arrived. The moment I have been dreading for some time now. So with no small amount of trepidation, I step to the plate and state boldly that I have a secret. A dark truth, that until now I felt better lay hidden and repressed than be allowed into the bright light of day.
But I must first thank my Liberal brothers without whom I would still surely have lacked the courage of my convictions. It is with their sometimes nuanced, often explicit rebuttals to the Defense of Marriage Act that I have been spurred forward to this my ultimate confession.
First, however, a little background.
My secret life began, oddly enough, while wondering the wilds of my own back yard. A dead burning bush and my obsessive drive for its removal were to signal the beginning of my path to redemption.
As an amateur in the study of horticultural extraction, I felt no apprehension in asking for aid from my brother in suburban sprawl: Dick, my neighbor to the West. I should have known better.
After having revealed my need for advise as to the proper removal and disposal of aforementioned tree, Dick had only this to say.
“I know an angel who does that kinda stuff.”
Well, isn’t that something, I thought. An angel, eh? I’d never been one to believe in such things. Angels and devils, imps and orcs, yetis and X-Men; but hell, I needed the help. What could it hurt?
Dick handed me a business card. On it in New Times Roman font size 16, was a phone number, an address, and the name Angel Rodriguez-Landscaper Extra Ordinaire.
Wow, a real angel. And the answer to all my landscaping prayers!
Seconds ticked on like days as I said my goodbyes and raced home to place the mystical call.
As luck would have it, Angel Rodriguez was in. He listened intently to my predicament and with the wisdom of a true sage, explained the process and etiquette of proper tree/shrub removal.
With appropriate deference I ended the call. A quick stop in the garage for a shovel and I was off to my blessed chore.
It was while digging up roots that my life changed forever. You see, the Angel Rodriguez had told me just how and where on the tree to dig. And it was right there I found the two golden tablets. And right then I became a Mormon.
A Mormon and yet more. An avowed polygamist. My dark secret now plainly revealed.
And this is where my Liberal brethren come in. Their antagonism to the historic meaning of marriage as between one man and one woman warms the cockles of my patriarchal heart.
Words cannot convey the connection I felt with Mr. Kennedy when he boldly spoke the following words, “A vote for this amendment is a vote for bigotry, pure and simple.” How true, Teddy, how very true. I make a promise to you here and in front of the entire world...I will name my third son from my fifth wife Edward, after you Teddy my pluralist brother.And Joe Solomnese, President of the Human Rights Campaign, surely had my doctrine in mind when he stated, “Make no mistake about it, the debate happening on the floor of the United States Senate today is whether we are going to undermine our Constitution and deny rights to millions of Americans by singling them out for discrimination.” Ah, my friend Joe, you understand me and my kind so very well. Our love for multiple partners should never be undermined or denied by the petty whim of the democratic process. And even though I may have a tad trouble myself discriminating from wife to wife, I must never be discriminated against by the likes of those prudish Republican bible thumpers.
Speaking of Republicans, I would be amiss to not to give a shout out to Senator John McCain and his wise words regarding this divisive amendment, “Most Americans are not yet convinced that their elected representatives or the judiciary are likely to expand decisively the definition of marriage to include same-sex couples.” Just between us John, I won’t tell them about the judges in Massachusetts if you keep quiet about my friends in Utah.
I am sure there are those reading this rant who are somewhat angry with the author’s analogy of polygamy with same sex marriage. Well, too damn(apologies to Joseph Smith)bad. Every, and I do mean every, argument for same sex marriage works equally well for multi-marriage. John’s abiding love for Tim is no more important to society than mine for Susan, Ruth, Tabitha, Beth, Rosalyn, Samantha, Cheryl, and Connie. As much as one believes government should stay out of Rose and Brittany’s bedroom, it should stay out of my five bedrooms, as well. How does my love of women, and I do mean
women, threaten any other persons marriage? And isn’t divorce more a threat to the standard definition of marriage than are my multiple loving partners? Anyway, is it not my civil right to marry whomever, or whomevers, I should love? If it is bigoted and divisive to deny one the right to marry another of the same sex, why is it not equally bigoted and divisive to limit marriage to the arbitrary number of two?
But in truth, I am not a selfish man. I am filled with empathy. And it is the future for which I truly fight. A future when my numerous brood will have the right to marry whomever and how many ever creatures they shall deem fit. A beautiful utopia full of love and freedom. Just one really, really, BIG happy family.
Crossposted @
The Wide Awakes and
Total Kaos Blog
