All Hail the New Pope

Looks like we have a new pope. It’s Joseph Ratzinger, Benedict XVI. He is a conservative Catholic. And that is just killing the progressives. The fact that they won’t have an ally to destroy the church from within must really be sticking in their craws.

But here is a hint, lefties... it’s a religion, damn it! If you don’t like it or agree with it’s premises, you should change religions. Not change the religion.

But of course when your God is moral relativism that doesn’t make much sense to you.
If you’re progressive, your Catholic church should celebrate abortion. It should have a rainbow parade over gay marriage. Do handstands and backbends over casual sex. Shoot, why not hand out condoms in the Communion line. Oh yeah, and we’ll need women priests, and married priests, and transsexual body modifying Druid priests.

Hell, that whole stinking bible has to go. It’s just filled with bigoted, angry myths built on tired morals that are well past their times of usefulness. We enlightened Catholics don’t need any damn superstition spewing tome telling us how to live.

And in the same light, why don’t we get rid of those stupid, insulting ten commandments as well. They are dated and judgmental.
Just look at them...

1. Thou shalt have no gods before me. Does that include Hillary Clinton and George Soros? C’mon God, you gotta admit, they’re pretty cool. And what about Karl Marx and Fidel Castro and ANWR caribou and Global Warming? You got to give us a little slack on this one.

2. Thou shalt not use the name of God in vain. Damn it, that’s just insane. Jesus Christ, how petty can one God be? My God, what a f’ing ridiculous rule!

3. Always remember the Sabbath. Shoot, we’re supposed to remember the Sabbath when You can’t even do it yourself? Geez, is it Saturday or Sunday? I bet you don’t even know!

4. Honor thy father and mother. What kind of homophobic statement is that? Haven’t you read, “Heather Has Two Mommies”? Geez, God, didn’t you go to public schools?

5. Thou shalt not kill. Kind of harsh don’t you think. What if the baby daddy ain’t coming up with the dead presidents, some babies are just inconvenient. Or what if you have postpartum depression? Or you’re a juvenile? Or your parents were mean to you? What kind of God would hold you accountable then?

6. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. This one we actually half agree on...look what those zealots tried to do to O.J. and President Clinton. But you got to cut Dan Rather and Michael Moore a break, sometimes the ends justify the means. But you probably wouldn’t understand that, You being the ultimate religious right winger...it’s nuanced.

7. Thou shalt not steal. He can’t really mean that, can He? We all steal, don’t we? Don’t we? Why pick on me when, God...look at Enron and Halliburton! If you were to hold us all accountable for stealing St. Peter would have quite a quagmire at the pearly gates.

8. Thou shalt not commit adultery. You call yourself the Supreme Being? Look around, everybody does it. Why should I be held responsible, if everybody else is doing it, too. Shoot, doesn’t that make it normal? Why don’t you just get off your high horse for once. Or do you want me to give Joseph a call...

9. Thou shalt not covet your neighbors wife. Well, that one’s easy. You’ve seen my neighbors wife. Yuck!

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors goods. Sorry, God, I got to part with you on this one. Have you never heard of income redistribution? I’m all about coveting. You hate the rich too, don’t you? I just want to take what’s theirs and spread it around...and hey, if a few greenbacks come my way who’s to care?

Yep, that’s a little overview of the progressive Catholic church, you know the one...the one you’re not going to get. Sweet!