Carnival of the Insanities

Once in a while when I need a good adrenalin rush, I’ll spin the radio dial and tune in to ‘Bush Causes Cancer Radio’(Air America for those untrained in sarcasm). I can barely survive the day without my fix of such Stuart Smalley classics as ‘Oy. Oy,’ or ‘Looter or Finder’.
But there is one show in particular I find most interesting. It is, of course, The Jerry Springer Radio Show. He just sounds so smart, so moderate, so caring. He warms the frozen cockles of my icy heart. With a searing hot auger.
He was droning on recently about how we as America care so little about the impoverished. About how badly this country treats the underclass. How can we call ourselves compassionate when there is so much suffering, he wondered.
Then he opened his show to a caller who basically stated how right he was and how very caring.
I had heard enough.
Does he even realize who he is? Does the caller?
He is Jerry Springer, for Gods sakes! You know the Jerry Springer, of ‘The Jerry Springer Show’?
The man who parades loser after loser across his television stage, smirking while they shriek their sad pathetic stories. The same man who uses the woes of the impoverished merely to sell a few feminine hygiene commercials. The man who subtly insults any ‘guest’ who appears on his show by the mere fact they are there at all. The man who’s television show is so out of control that he actually needs a security force...to protect those poor underprivileged saps from themselves and each other. Counting his bling bling all the way to the bank. He is a truly caring man. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
He is an ass. A pompous patronizing ass.
But, I must admit, he has inspired me. Inspired me to come up with a few radio show ideas of my own...
1) The Attila the Hun Show. Today everyone’s favorite barbarian will be discussing the plight and peril of the Roman centurion.
2) The John Wayne Gacy Show. On today’s show, John will be asking for donations from his audience for the ‘Chicago Young Orphaned Boys Club’. A group, he feels, does such great work.
3) The Mullah Mohammad Omar Hour. Gloria Steinem will appear on Monday’s show to discuss the unfairness of the glass ceiling with everyone’s favorite supreme Taliban leader.
4) The Bill Cody Factor. Buffalo Bill will be speaking to ELF spokesman Elmer Okehugger on the horror of drilling in ANWR.
5) The Heinrich Himmler Report. Heiney debates Hamas leader June O’Good, who claims there is in fact a Zionist world banking conspiracy.
6) The Quinten Tarantino Show. Director extra ordinaire Quinten will be arguing against the Second Amendment with gun nut Ted Nuggent in an upcoming episode.
Any radio producers looking to fill some time are welcome to use any of the above ideas. Hell, none are nearly so inane as Mr. Springer’s loser lovefest.