It's All Bush's Fault

New York (IP) - With the discovery of hot spots on the sun and now on a moon of Saturn, experts are fearing the worst. Global Warming, they warn, is child’s play next to what some scientists are now calling ‘Universal Warming’.
University of California Professor of Astronomy, Ima Nutt, claims the universe is warming at an alarming rate.
“Absolute zero is 273 degrees below zero Celsius. If the average temperature of the universe rises just a couple degrees we could be looking at an apocalyptical disaster. It would then only be -271 degrees for God's sakes!” he stated.
“George Bush and his oil buddies damn well know that their failure to sign the Kyoto treaty is warming the Earth at an unprecedented rate. What they wont tell you, however, is that for every degree the Earth warms, the Universe will warm proportionately as well.”
He and other critics claim it is American’s love of giant SUVs and their irresponsibility to the global and universal community that will in the end be the cause of the destruction of all the known universe.
“We, as Americans, must be more responsible,” claims secretary to the President of the Nevada division of SETI, Robert “Spock” Smith.
“I have personally spoken to some of our friends from the skies, and they make no allusions as to their anger at what we Earthlings are doing. One young mother from Enceladus(the warming moon of Saturn)has confided in me her intent to land just outside Crawford, Texas until the President finally talks to her. She claims he has refused to speak to her after multiple attempts to reach him through the conventional channels at Area 51. Talk to her damn it Mr. President...just talk to her!”
Attempts by this reporter to get an comment from the Bush Administration had until today hit a brick wall.
But earlier today Bush regime spokesman and Halliburton president, Robin Blind, had this to say:
“We deny any and all responsibility for what some misguided scientists are cavalierly calling 'Universal Warming'. In fact, it is instead our belief that the warming of the universe is in actuality the cause of Global Warming. It is this regi...I, uh, mean administration’s view that no such thing really exists in the first place. And for those of you who still look to place blame you can just shove it up Uranus! Get it, ‘Uranus’?”
Because no other respected scientists would speak to this reporter on this most important of subjects, I contacted Pat Robertson and Cindy Sheehan for their thoughts.
“Hell, I saw ‘Alien’, he was one mean mother! And that Predator, what a bad ass.” Robertson stated. “If we could take them out now, I think we should. And don’t let the media lie to you...they don’t hate us because of the whole warming thing, it’s the gays...that’s what it is. Aliens hate the gays!”
“It’s George Bush’s fault, all of it. Now that he has destroyed our standing in the Mideast and in the rest of the world, he wants to take it even further. He wants to start a Universal War for Oil. Why do you think he wants to go to Mars...it’s just another conquest for his Texas oil buddies. But when the Venusians come down here, at least they can say the met Casey’s mom.” Miss Sheehan added.
With all these great minds in agreement, it is hard to argue that Universal Warming does not indeed exist. It seems that instead of joking and ignoring the problem, the Bush administration should begin now doing everything possible to stop the coming disaster. If they have learned any lesson from their causing of the Katrina hurricane disaster, it should be to act now and ask questions later.

*In two related stories...

Tampa Bay (IP) - Thousands of Jewish Americans were spotted leaving the Mississippi/Louisiana areas prior to the onset of hurricane Katrina.
“It was as if they had been warned.” quipped Muhammad Ashell, Southeastern representative for the Muslim group CARE.
“We have information from very reliable sources that nearly all the Zionists had left the area of the hurricane even before it had hit. And even those who were left behind had spent some weeks prior building a large wooden craft, ostensibly to carry any remaining animals from the New Orleans Zoo.
We want to know what they knew and when they knew it. It is obviously just another in a long line of Neo-Con actions to appease the global banking community.”
Jewish leaders were unable to be reached for comment, but Kosher.com does have a nice discount on Chocolate Chip Challah.


Baton Rouge (IP) - Democratic leaders and the Liberal blogosphere are in an uproar over what is being pegged as ‘The Bourbon Street Memo’.
A water logger manilla envelope was found floating in what is left of the French Quarter earlier today. Effen Crooke found the package at the corner of Toulouse and Chartres.
“I was out looting with the wife and kids when along floats this envelope thing.” Mr Crooke recalled. “I put down the Play Station and opened it. Boy was I surprised by what I found. You see, inside there was this legal looking s**t. That was all talkin’ about the CIA messin’ with some clouds and s**t. I was all, hey bi**h, take a look at this. She handed me Shonte and read it out loud. We knew what we had to do. So we took it right to our neighbor Vito, he’s a Teamster, see...”
From there, apparently ‘The Bourbon Street Memo’ found its way into the hands of Rashawn Utopia, a writer at the Bush Causes Cancer blog. And the rest is history.
When asked, Mr. Utopia had this to say about the memo, “I knew what I had the moment I read it. In the envelope was a copy of an e-mail from Karl Rove’s office directly to the office of CIA director Porter Goss. It was a rather non-veiled threat demanding Goss do something to get the heat off of Rove, claiming this request came directly from the Oval Office. Also, in the envelope was what seemed to be the plan to do just that. You see, according to ‘The Bourbon Street Memo’, the CIA has been seeding clouds in the Gulf of Mexico for weeks now. Thus causing hurricane Katrina and the ensuing disaster. Let’s see that damned Texan squirm out of this one!”
Massachusetts senior senator Ted Kennedy, upon hearing of the memo and its damning contents, squealed like a girl and nearly spilled his vodka martini.
DNC chairman Howard Dean refused at first to comment, but then shouted, “Wait till Cindy hears this!”
The President could not be reached for comment. An aide stated the President was away, but would have a statement upon his return from Roswell, Nevada.