Just for Fun

Navy Institutes Raft Program

Lt. Admiral Michael O’Shea speaking from the West side YMCA in Washington D.C. today, revealed the Navy’s newest and most environmentally conscious weapon.
“This innovative program was the brainchild of Ensign First Class Aaron Decarte. He brought it to the attention of his superiors, who able to see the unlimited possibilities and obvious innate morale boost, forwarded the idea to the Pentagon, and the rest is history.”
The Lt. Admiral then unveiled the latest in naval technology-The Raft. The Raft, with its balloon-like outer circle and flattened interior made to hold up to six sailors, is being sold as
yet one more step towards insuring American naval superiority.
“When I heard of Esn. Decarte’s idea, I called for him to fly directly to D.C. and meet with me A.S.A.P. A mind like that can not be wasted on mere seamen. After speaking to the young man for just a few minutes, I was sold.” the Lt. Admiral said.
“A raft made from pliable titanium. With no motor, just oars. Hell, it’s environmental...and I know how you press type like that...and it keeps our boys in shape. Decarte was a bit pudgy in that first meeting, but that sold the program that much more. It’s quieter than any of our carriers or destroyers. It can sneak right up on the enemy and as long as our sailors have kept their M-16s dry, they can even shoot the bastards. All without using a single drop of diesel!”
“To tell you the truth, I came up with the idea as a way to lose some weight. My bunk mates were making fun of me and that really hurt. So one moonlit night I was standing deck side eating a double cheeseburger wondering what I could do to trim down. Well, it was then that some sailor on the lower level fell overboard. He started screaming like a girl, and another sailor threw him one of those orange things that you blow up...what do you call those? Oh, never mind. Anyway the sailor crawled inside and started paddling, with his arms over the sides fighting to get back to the ship. Seeing that seamen struggle, it was like a bolt from above. If only there were some oars in that little boat thingey, I could use it to row around and burn some calories. I went to my superior and told him my idea. Well, he basically told me to go scratch. But then I had another idea. I said we could use the boat-a-majig as some kinda weapon. He liked the sound of that. And the rest is history” Decarte stated.
Why titanium, Lt. Admiral?
“Well, hell, it’s defense budget money. What the hell do I care? And we spare no cost for the safety of our seamen. Plus you gotta admit it looks pretty cool shiny like that.”
But it’s just a raft...
“Well, The Raft, to be precise. And son, you seen the price of petrol lately?”
Isn’t the petrol paid for by the defense budget, as well?
“Shut up, you little piss monkey! Anyone else got any questions?”
So what’s with the special outfits the sailors are wearing?
“Well, Decarte assured me that any sailors who entered The Raft program would need special uniforms. Titanium, as well. The Navy employed many of the greatest minds in metallurgy to come up with the special chain mail needed. Sure, it wasn’t cheap, but it doesn’t rust and it matches the raft perfectly. And before you even ask, yes those are real diamond studs on the handles of the oars. Nothing but the best for our sailors!”
What is the end cost, then, of The Raft program?
“That’s top secret, son. But if it saves just one life, isn’t it worth it?”
I’m not quite sure how that applies...
“Next question!”
So this program is in no way connected to the fact that the Navy is well below its spendable budget and if it wants a boost in dollars next year it needs to spend its full budget this year?
“Next question.”
Have you given any thought at all to how the American tax payer will feel about the Navy spending all this money on what in the end is simply a blow up raft?
“I said next question! No more, good. Thank you then. We’re done here.”
With that the Lt. Admiral exited the building.
The metallic raft floating lazily in the pool, surrounded by chain mailed sailors playfully splashing each other and laughing, stands in odd contrast to what one would think a modern navy should represent. But, hey it is awfully shiny and those trim, fit seamen seem to be having such a great time.