Your Date with The Internal Combustion Service

Have any of you Greenies actually asked yourselves what Mr. Gore has in mind when he talks about government intervention to control Global Warming? The following is slated for your not so distant future..

Joe Smith: Hello?
Internal Combustion Service Agent: Mr. Smith?
JS: Yes. Can I help you?
ICSA: Yes, sir. I am calling from the Internal Combustion Service.
JS: The What!?!
ICSA: Please do not play dumb with me, sir. As you are well aware, the ICS has been instituted by the Federal Government of your United States in order to protect the integrity of ‘The Federal Carbon Rationing Act’.
JS: Oh, that.
ICSA: Yes, sir. And I am calling you this evening in reference to your account from the previous calender year...
JS: Well, if in fact you are aware of my account, then you should also be aware that I have sent in the proper 1040CO2 short form. Properly signed and well before the April deadline.
ICSA: Yes, sir. The form itself is proper, as well as the signature and time stamp. But we have found some, let us just say, improprieties.
JS: Improprieties?
ICSA: Yes, sir. I am calling to advise you of an audit to your ‘Carbon Rations’ account.
JS: An audit?!?
ICSA: Yes, sir. As you are surely aware, each American citizen has only a limited amount of Carbon output available each calender year. Any overage in output must be equalized through the use of ‘Carbon Offsets’ or ‘Overage Purchases’ available only through proper ICS agencies.
Yours, sir, simply do not add up.
JS: According to you they don’t.
ICSA: Yes, sir. I will be needing from you all applicable receipts and or documents...
JS: Such as?
ICSA: Well, of course, all gas and oil receipts. Your home heating and electric bills. The make, model, and mileage information on all autos owned by you and your family. The number, weight, sex, and age of each family member along with their federally certified ‘Carbon Dioxide Breath Emissions’ numbers. A list of all electronic appliances and their cited power usage. Your furnace make and model and it’s efficiency rating. Square footage of your home. Square footage of your property along with the types and numbers of trees, grasses, and foliage therein...
JS: Is that all?
ICSA: No sir it is not. I will also need your ‘Job Specific Carbon Output’ if you are self employed. A list of all lawn machinery and maintenance equipment with all applicable efficiency ratings. A list of all motorized vehicles, including boats, ATVs, and children’s toys, and all applicable efficiency ratings. Quantities and types of all purchased food stuffs for the past year. You must make us aware of any physician verifiable gastrointestinal dysfunctions you or your family may suffer from. Total hourly usage as well as cord weight from the use of any fireplace or wood burning appliance. A full list of all battery operated appliances or miscellany and applicable efficiency ratings. And finally a list of all vacations and trips, with the modes of transportation therein, you and/or your family have taken within the last calender year.
JS: OK, I get it now. It’s just more massive government intrusion into the lives of ordinary citizens. Another bureaucracy to make criminals of decent hard working Americans.
ICSA: No need to get snippy, sir.
JS: No need/!? No need? This whole idea of man made Global Warming is now, and has always been, a scam invented by anti-Capitalists to increase the power of government. And low and behold we now have the Internal Combustion Service nosing into every corner of our lives.
ICSA: It’s for your own good, sir. And for the good of the planet. It’s for the children. You do care about the children, don’t you. A few small inconveniences now for the future of the children.
JS: This is a joke.
ICSA: No, sir, it is not. Fraud and/or lying to a Federal agent is serious business, sir. Punishable by fine and/or prison time.
JS: Oh, I understand the consequences, alright. I just wish our representatives in the government had understood them before enacting these fascist intrusive nanny-state laws. I truly do not think you are what our founding fathers had in mind when they conceived of a government limited in scope and by the people. I can not, nor ever will, understand the mind set of the masses who would gladly cede their rights simply for empty promises of safety and protection.
Even if we were to bring our Carbon usage down to absolute zero, do you really believe there would be no more hurricanes, tornadoes, glacial melting, and typhoons? Is anyone really that stupid? And when these things do come, as they surely will...what then? More stringent and tyrannical laws? Where does it end? Weather will always be with us, it always has and always will! And, unfortunately, so will those Utopian elitists who hunger for power as well as the weak minded sheep eager to be fed upon.
ICSA: I’m sorry sir, but that thirty second rant and the accompanying rise in your blood pressure and heart rate have increased your exhalation over and above your "Allowed Carbon Output’. This will have to be taken into account at the audit.
Again, I thank you sir, your appointment is for this Friday at 2:00 PM at the Federal Building on Main and 1st.