My Apology

You might want to sit down for this one, I’m going to give you Libs some credit. I hope you will take it in the spirit in which it is offered.
OK, Left you win. With all your programs to fight it, programs that have stolen honestly earned money out of my wallet as well as food out of the mouths of my children, you have finally done it. After years and years of redistribution of wealth and cow-toeing to the lowest common denominator, we are finally free. Ignoring the reality of the situation and merely throwing money at it has, and I would never have believed it, actually worked. Tossing the idea of any individual’s personal responsibly in his life situation, in retrospect, seems to finally have been the solution. Sending free, unearned checks monthly to people who care little from whence it came is truly the appropriate method to a fairer America.
Yes, Lefties I have finally come to my senses. The obviousness of it is stunning, how could I have missed it? FDR’s programs have reached fruition. LBJ’s Great Society exists at last. And all that time, and all that money funneled from the producers to the leeches was the only true and proper path to solution.
Alright, Progressives, I admit defeat. Hard work is meaningless, I see that now. With the fairness you have established in my beloved country I would have to be blind or intellectually dishonest not to see it. Equality has a price, after all. Surely a price we have so dearly paid, but just look at the resulting utopia. I submissively bow to your intellectual might.
In three generations, a mere sixty odd years, you have changed our country...nay, the world. Yes, you have beaten it. Smashed it. Shredded it. It is dead and with it a shameful part of American history. No more will we have to try to explain to our children why that poor man is ranting to himself and living in a shopping cart. No more will we need to feel the guilt of knowing that somewhere some poor heroin shooting young lady will not be able to feed her five children. No more will America be viewed by the rest of the world as the country who demands the lazy must work. No more. No more. No more.
I thank you, and I hope other Conservatives will see the error of their ways and join me as well.
So here it is, the only way I can think to apologize for not seeing in your ideology the perfection that it so undeniably inherent...
You win. You have done it. You have cured the disease. I admit it, the evil that is poverty...it is finally and utterly dead. You have, despite all facts to the contrary, in fact beaten it. And I humbly grovel at your feet.

Crossposted @ The Wide Awakes