They Have All the Answers

I spend much of my day in a dark cloud of confusion. Just ask any progressives I’ve met and they will tell you exactly that. But I have seen the light. Yes, I have found redemption. Finally, I have discovered the greatest step forward in human evolution in the last 20,000 years. And that is, of course, ‘experts’.
They know everything. They are everywhere. Don’t know where the media finds them, but I will find out. I just have to. For they are the key to ultimate knowledge. They are the apple of Eden, the Bhudda’s sitting tree, the guests on The Diane Rhem Show.
With this in mind I contacted an ‘expert’ to clear up some questions that have been bouncing around my skull for awhile:



S&S: Sir, as an ‘expert’, I wonder if you would have some answers to some questions that have been perplexing me as of late...

Expert: Well, yes, of course, that is what I do. You see, I’m an expert.

S&S: Yes, I’m aware of that, as I am of your painful redundancy. But let me ask you this, did global warming truly cause the tsunami disaster?

Expert: Let me first say that there are no stupid questions, just stupid red state deity fearing intolerant red necks. But your question was about the connection between the tsunami and your gas guzzling SUV, I believe.

S&S: Well, not exactly...

Expert: Please don’t interrupt. And the answer is of course, yes, you Americans did cause it. You drive around in your Excursions and your Hummers with nary a care of how your wastefulness affects those less fortunate than you. Those who are damned to live their entire lives on white sand sunny beaches with temperatures sometimes approaching 90 degrees Farenheit.

S&S: Oh my God, I didn’t know.....But, sir, wasn’t the tsunami caused by an earthquake beneath the sea?


Expert: I’m the expert here, young man! And yes it was. But as I’m sure you know, Global Warming causes glaciers to melt. When glaciers melt, their weight is no longer pressing down on mountains and such. And this weight, of course, controls seismic activity. Without it, we a merely sitting ducks on the proverbial pond of death.

S&S: ‘Pond of....’? Um, but this happened in the ocean. There were no glaciers...

Expert: Well, not now there aren’t you fool. Bush has melted them.

S&S: O....K.....let’s move on. Next question. Is it possible, or even safe to appease the Islamic terrorists?

Expert: Interesting, that you would use the label ‘terrorists’ and not something more tolerant like ‘insurgents’, ‘freedom fighters’, or ‘honey, bunny, puppy huggers.’

S&S: “Honey, bunn.....

Expert: Ahem, Mr. Interrupty Pants. And yes it is possible to appease these Muslim heroes. All they want is our understanding, our respect, the downfall of our very way of life, the enslavement of our women, the killing of all our homosexuals, our absolute submission to Allah, and, of course, the killing all Jews within our borders. And really, is that asking all that much?

S&S: Um, and what exactly were you an ‘expert’ of?

Expert: What are you trying to label me? I’m on the New York Times call list, you idiot. Anything else you’d like to know, bumbling fool?

S&S: Sure, why do progressives hate freedom?

Expert: Whaa???? Are you completely insane, man?!? You obviously did not go to public schools...

S&S: Well, thank you...?

Expert: But freedom...of course, we progressives love freedoms. There’s the freedom of choice a woman has over her body...there’s the freedom.....the freedom of...uh.....well, there’s that, anyway.

S&S: So they don’t believe in personal freedom in taxation, retirement, schools, unadulterated practice of religion, freedom from petty government intrusion,.....??

Expert: You know what, I’m out of here. You ask too many damn questions.