A Civil War?

I heard something else from the compassionate, tolerant mouth of a Liberal on Christmas Eve. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me too much, but it did. Surprised and amused me. Got me to thinking and giggling. Laughing so hard it brought tears to my eyes. And now you get to hear it, too.
This is what he said, “If things keep going like they are, maybe we Democrats need to start a civil war!”
Yes, you read that right, ‘we Democrats need to start a civil war!’
My God, I’m starting to chuckle just typing it.
Why is this statement so humorous to me, you ask? Well, first off let’s pick our sides. In this mental experiment, we must begin by listing who will be fighting whom. Well obviously, on one side we have the Liberals(or the Democrats, if you will) and on the other side, the Conservatives.
So what does this mean exactly? OK, here is where the fun starts. Let’s begin by listing the groups who will be fighting for the Left side...
Hmm, I guess we could start with the ACLU. They’re just the types of he-men I would want in a fox hole next to me. Threatening the enemy with law suits, while at the same time protecting them from torture and spying. Advantage: Conservatives.
Next we have the Cindy Sheehan anti-war crowd. They could sit outside Howard Deans office demanding he must appease the other side and bring their sons and daughters home. They could picket and chant and have a sit in. Damn it Dean, she’s the spark of the universe, you have to listen to her. Advantage: Conservatives.
How about PETA and ALF and the like. Well, they hate violence against animals, but injuring person and property doesn’t seem to bother them much. And many are well practiced in the arts of terrorism. I’ll give the Libs this one. Advantage: Liberals.
And here’s a Leftist group that strikes fear and terror in the hearts of their enemies...the anti-2nd Amendment group. While the Right is firing bullets, they could be firing barbs. The Right would be arming, the Left disarming. Advantage: Conservatives.
So what’s left....Oh yeah, the pro-choice, one issue Democrats. Sorry ladies, chanting “Keep your hands off my uterus’ seems kind of weak when the bombs start flying. Maybe you could borrow a scalpel from...you know what, I’m not going there. Advantage: Conservatives.
Can’t leave out the media. Sean Penn could act like he would fight. Barbara Streisand could sing propaganda tunes. The New York Times could write stories accusing their own side of barbarous acts. Air Euromerica could drone on about impeaching the leader of the enemy. ABC could have the ‘hottest new dramas of the season’, 'Chicks Make Great Presidents as Long as They Look Like Hillary', 'Everyone in Jail is Innocent', 'Lawyers are More Moral than Christians', 'Sluts Sleeping With Everyone in the Neighborhood', 'Tales from the Oral Office', and the in depth investigative special 'Heaven: Barbara Knows Where it is, You Idiots'. Advantage: Conservatives.
I guess we can’t forget the feminists. Or the homosexual marriage faction(although those gay cowboys could be scary). The isolationists. The secularists. The socialists. Well, whatever...Advantage: Conservatives.
Ok, enough of that, let’s look at the other side. Who, I wonder, would even dream of fighting for the Right side? Hmm, this is a tough one.
This is a stretch, but how ‘bout the military? They’re 80% plus Conservative. Advantage: Conservatives.
And how about hunters and fisherman? Bet they’d have a few weapons laying around. And my guess is they fall pretty hard to the Right. Advantage: Conservatives.
Ooh, and the military-industrial complex. They’d just love to be rid of the Socialists and that damn Progressive tax bunch. Get those foundries a pumpin’ boys. Advantage: Conservatives.
You know what, that’s about enough I’d say.
In fact, the more I think about it, we Conservatives wouldn’t even need to fire a shot. We could just leave the Libs to the Islamo-fascists. Without the adults to protect them, Liberals would be surrendering to the terrorists in no time. Heck, the two groups really have so much in common. I’m pretty sure the Wahhabists would appreciate their whole anti-religious, pro-anything-sexual-goes, feminizing, pro-criminal, multi-cultural agenda. Advantage: Bin Laden.