More Detainee Complaints

This is a post from the collective warped minds of GBlagg & Cracker...

This just in: Our experts have just returned from Gitmo, and they have handed us a list of detainee complaints, accusations, and demands you will never see in The New York Times..

1) Detainee states that Karl Rove is Osama Bin Laden.
2) Akmed claims that ‘Massengill does make you feel fresh and clean, and that just won’t be tolerated.’
3) Detainees have complained to Amnesty International that they have ‘already given the infidels all the names, addresses, and cell phone numbers for all the members of Al Qaeda. Why then are we still held captive?’
4) Many captives often proclaim to their captors in word and picket signs that ‘surely you are aware abortion is a woman’s right!’
5) Many claim that their love of cheese, cigarettes, and Jerry Lewis gives no clue to their countries of origin.
6) The few detainees with access to radios have demanded the passing of The Fairness Doctrine.
7) Most are appreciative of the cable package offered, but would really love to get the Lifetime Channel.
8) ‘It’s red wine with meat, white wine with fish! It’s red wine with meat, white wine with fish...’
9) Complain that they ‘have worn out their DVD on the Holocaust and those Zionist guards will not give them any more’.
10) Are angry that the warden has now banned Planned Parenthood from passing out more condoms.
11) Nearly all are angry and are demanding more sand box time.
12) There are demands that ‘the guards only smoke Marlboros...no more Camels!'
13) Are angry ‘the strippers won’t take Drachmas. And the Hookah bars close at 2 AM!’
14) Claim the Koran states that Rosie O’Donnell is surely a man.
15) Many are angry their Medicaid no longer covers Viagra.
16) Older Muslims in camp have been quietly muttering ‘I hate Bush’ since they received the anti-Social Security reform mailer from AARP. Their fear of privatization is ‘demoralizing’.
17) All are angry that their Northern 2 ply Koran T.P. is being replaced with 1 ply paper simply to reduce camp running costs.
18) Many have stated that not only have they ‘not received the latest issue of The Watchtower, but there is not one single Book of Mormon in the entire library.’
19) Some do not favor the newly instituted ‘change your partner weekly’ rule in dance class.
20) Want the Arabic version of Alpha Bits cereal as a breakfast option.
21) Many state that if they ‘do not begin to receive skin cream they will institute a ‘War for Oil of Olay!’
22) Demand only hot blonde female guards to point at them when they are photographed nude.
23) Are angry Rush will no longer take their calls.
24) Are disappointed in the ‘quality of the Starbuck’s coffee, McChickens, and Krispy Kremes. And when it comes right down to it, these Cuban cigars just suck!’
25) Demand Rumsfeld once again allow them to sell their wares on E-Bay.
26) Are tired of being on permanent suicide watch
27) Most are angry that the ACLU has sued and now they can not say their prayers on government property.
28) Claim that the guards stopping them from escaping has ‘disenfranchised their need for freedom.’


For both of you who upon reading this felt compassion for our Muslim friends, we promise to pass these complaints on to the proper authority. Anybody know The Onion’s e-mail?

Crossposted @ The Wide Awakes