Too Close To True

New York Times
by Robert Ludlum 5:16 PM ET

The Journal of the American Medical Association along with the Center of Disease Control have today released word of a groundbreaking discovery sure to change the world as we know it. JAMA and the CDC, in a joint statement, have issued word that the cure for cancer has officially been found.
This discovery has been called the single greatest medical advancement in human history. It cures, it seems, every type of cancer known to man. In one fell swoop, the leading cause of death in humans has been eradicated.
“It is truly a golden day in human history,” Judie Golberding, Director of the CDC stated. “We must express our greatest gratitude to the man responsible for this discovery, George W. Bush.”
“He is truly a great man and his discovery will end so much pain and suffering throughout the world,” Fil B. Fontana, Executive Deputy Editor of JAMA stated.
Mr. Bush was unable to be reached for comment, but a Halliburton spokesman informed this reporter that Mr. Bush would be speaking later in the week.
But all is not roses. For some there is a dark side. On Capital Hill there was obvious grumbling.
“Sure, he cured something simple like cancer, but what is he doing about foot and mouth disease?” Quipped senator John Kerry from Massachusetts.
“He said he would cure scabies! He lied! Bush lied!” Screamed Barbara Boxer, a senator from California.
“Does this mean I won’t need colon checks? AAAARRRGGGHH!!!” Howled Howard Dean.
“I guess I’ll have to scrap the idea for my next documentary...’Bush, A Cancer on Humanity’.” Michael Moore was overheard complaining.
“I never really thought cancer was that big a deal anyway.” Bill Maher stated.
And from outside the Capital, muffled chanting could be heard.....
“Cancer ain’t smack, what about Iraq? Cancer ain’t smack, what about Iraq?”