Afghans Live in Fear

The Afghani Free Press.
Posted February 20, 2006 1:35 PM EST

3'9" Afghani Player Wins Slam Dunk Contest

Abdul ‘Spud’ Goupda, a guard for the Islamabad Crescents, won the Afghanistan Basketball Association’s Slam Dunk Contest on Sunday. The Slam Dunk Contest is but one of many activities during the All Star Weekend here in Tora Bora.
“I must say, I am very happy to have won,” Mr. Goupda said. “I only wish it had been a fairer contest.”
“The shot that won for me was really more of a lay up than a dunk, but this was all it took and I am proud to have been part of this great contest. Excepting, of course, that I was the only entrant to show up and actually perform. It is a very happy day and a very sad day, as well.”
The wee guard is referring, surely, to the unfortunate disappearance of every other national player.

Nearly All Afghani Basketball Association Players Gone Missing

Asked about the missing players, Mr. Goupda had this to say,” Oh, it is a very bad thing. A very, very bad thing. I am sure it is because of the words of the American sorceress hag that has caused this terrible event. You see, all of my fellow players have gone into hiding. She is an evil woman, a very evil woman.”
“Are there no laws in America to protect us from this devil woman? From her threatening words and actions? Is it she who steers the Great Satan? My friends are very frightened. What have they done to this witch after all?”
Mr. Goupda explained further, “They have hidden in the mountains. In the caves. She has driven them from their homes, from their families. Now they live like frightened children, in terror. Her words and her threats...she is the devil!”
He refers here to the words from the American Senator Hillary Clinton and her veiled threats to the great people of Afghanistan.

You cannot explain to me why we have not captured or killed the tallest man in Afghanistan.

Mr. Goupda continued, “I am ever so happy for the trophy, but my friends must be in such terror. The Americans, it seems, are coming to track them down and kill them. It is has been said the offer is five million rubas.”
When asked what a ruba is, the tiny jump shooter replied, “It is an island in the Caribbean, but that is not important right now. My friends, even the shorter ones, live in the fear of being mistaken as the tallest man in Afghanistan. Our 7'3" center has not left his knees since he heard, and it is not even a Friday night.”