Eminent Domain: Unintended Consequences

Dateline March 3, 2035 23:14

CNN-The Comrade News Network

The Supreme Court today has finally ruled on the controversial case of Gblagg v. University of California-Berkeley. The case involves a citizen’s right to privately own hisher private intellectual property. Gblagg is fighting for what he claims is hisher right to believe and espouse hisher own Conservative views. University of California-Berkeley argues that Gblagg’s mind and it’s contents could be better used by the State in order to forward Liberal ideals.

Chief Judge John Edwards stated that through a thorough investigation of both foreign and alien courts, the U.S. Supreme Court has at last come to consensus.

“The court has ruled 8-1...that damn Scalia just won’t die!...that the government does indeed have the right through Eminent Domain to take a citizen’s mental/intellectual property and give it to those who will surely use it in a manner that more benefits the common good.
Further, we as a court, have found that the physical portion that makes up a person also, in fact, falls under the jurisdiction of Eminent Domain. We have ruled that if the state feels a person’s physical body can be more efficiently used for a purpose that better benefits us all, then the state has the right, nay the responsibility, to seize the body in question and use it accordingly. Why do we need 6'2" 240 lb. men working in academia...could they not better be used picking our fruits and vegetables, building our roads? This ruling also, finally, gives the state the ability to do something about those damn Baby Boomers that just refuse to die. Their bodies are now property of the Federal Government and as such can and will be destroyed and disposed of post haste.”

Gblagg, and many who espouse hisher same backward beliefs are outraged.
It is well documented that heshe is a follower of the struggling conservative political movement. This is the very same movement that is trying to destroy recent advances in women’s rights by arguing for a return to an time, pre Common Sense vs. University of Massachusetts, where abortion was legal only up to the moment of birth. They also argue for the controversial idea of reinstating the legality of heterosexual marriage. Heshe actually argues that it is an American citizen’s Second Amendment right to own a knife! What’s next American citizenry owning guns?
He recently made the news when he came forth to argue against the scientifically proven doctrine that the water produced by the emissions from American’s hydrogen cars has the Earth headed for disaster. He has strongly disagreed with leading experts who state that the emissions from these vehicles are ushering in Global Raining.

The Court is riding high after its recent decision to allow Capital Punishment only for those offenders between the ages 35 3/4 and 37 ½. Next on the docket is the argument for the repealing of all State and Federal murder laws as they are based on Judeo-Christian tenets and thereby violate the separation of church and state.

President Clinton, speaking in front of the NAACP-NAMBLA, had the following comments:

“My mother, if she were alive today, would be so proud of this court. This great court that heshe had the ultimate wisdom to appoint. I personally would like to thank Judges Johnnie Cochran, Gloria Allred, Allen Dershowitz, Mark Geragos, and Jon Stewart for their sage understanding of the true intentions of our founding fathers.”

In other news....
...The cryogenically reanimated body of Sammy Sosa, now 426 lbs. of pure muscle, has just entered the record books with his 320th home run this season. Lassie, manager of the Seattle Socialists who was hired after PETA passed the Equal Employment Opportunity for Animals Act, refused to comment after being swatted with a newspaper for soiling second base.

...Governor Vincente Fox, of the state of Mexico, is speaking out against the latest census and demanding reparations for the loss of Federal money because of the illegal immigration of hisher people pre-statehood.

...UN Secretary General Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has announced hisher retirement today stating, “It is time for me to leave the public eye. I walk away knowing we have beaten the Great Satan down to the level of Just Above Average Satan. My time here is over. I confidently leave the human rights issues of the day in the able hands of North Korea, Syria, Sudan, and China.”