They Just Need a Hand Up

With gas prices dipping below two dollars a gallon in many areas throughout the United States and with record losses looming in the fourth quarter of 2006, many of the movers and shakers of 'Big Oil' are taking preemptive action. More and more there are whispers of lay offs, pump station closings, and even bankruptcies murmuring through the entire oil industry. Exxon-Mobil, and others, intend to go straight to those in the power circles of government to plead for a helping hand...a hand up, if you will.
We here at Sticks and Stones, self-professed shills for the oil companies, have procured exclusive access to a letter sent by these aggrieved organizations to certain members of the US Senate. Edward Kennedy, John F. Kerry, Dick Durbin, and Barbara Boxer are but a few of the officials to receive this mailing and we at this blog are confident in the compassionate governance of these individuals.
That said, here is the letter...

Dear sirs,
We of ‘Big Oil’ are today facing down a most dire of futures.
Every day, it seems, per barrel price plummets and our losses soar.
The business of extracting oil from the planet, as you are surely aware, is a very specialized enterprise. Very few companies have either the means or the ability to succeed in such an endeavor. It would be not only a shame, but certainly dangerous to national security for certain companies to be forced to dissolve.
Let it be said that we as an industry have done all we could in order to avoid the necessity of this correspondence. We have literally begged the people of this great nation to pay more for gas in order to help us in our hour of need. Our requests, sadly, seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. And our calls for aid to Bill O’Reilly have, as yet, gone unreturned.
So it is that we turn to you, members of the esteemed Democratic wing of the US Senate. You who only recently have attempted to enact a windfall profits tax. A tax, you claimed, aimed to help those in need. We are now here to ask, nay to demand, that the government of the United States return to those of us in the oil business all the losses we may incur in the fourth quarter of the 2006 business year.
As it is obviously within your power and your will to take from one group and give to another in the guise of compassion; it would seem common sense that you could simply tax those who are now paying less for a gallon of gasoline and remit the accumulated tax dollars to those of our companies who are currently in need.
We of ‘Big Oil’ have the ultimate faith in your humanity and disregard those who would label you with the tag of hypocrites. We are sure you will do the right thing and work toward resolving our ever approaching decent into poverty.

Sincerely,

ExxonMobil
Chevron Corp.
British Petroleum
Royal Dutch Shell
ConocoPhillips

We here at Sticks and Stones also have faith in the honor of our Democratic friends in Congress, and can hardly wait for the upcoming debate on the floor of the US Senate.