The New USA

An open letter to all liberals, progressives, and those pathetically called 'undecideds':

We, the conservatives, are informing you forthwith of our secession from the union as of this date. We would normally be expected, at this point, to ask that this be a peaceful undertaking, but why should we waste our pen ink. It's not like any of you would really put up much of a fight anyway.
All states which have for the last five years voted mainly Republican will be taken as our own and we will be keeping the name 'United States of America' since you never really respected it anyway. That, and the name "Comrades of Socialist States of Appeasement' is as of this writing still unused.
We also will be taking the military and all weapons therewithin. As you have in the past had no use for either, this should not be much of a problem for you. We will be leaving you all the diplomacy and nuance you could ever want to use as we are sure these will keep you safe in the world as it presently exists. Oh and we will be forwarding Kofi Anan's address which you can do with as you please.
We will be changing our tax system from that which injures the productive in our society to one which encourages productivity. The income tax system will be abolished and replaced with a National Sales Tax. But that will be of no real interest to you. This might however, it seems a large number of those in the upper income brackets will be coming with us. So your process of taking from those who earn and giving to those who don't may become somewhat imperiled. We don't want to scare anybody but it might come about that some of your constituents might just have to get jobs! But then those might themselves have to pay taxes...Thus making them the haves and others the havenots...We can not tell you how much glee we will receive from you trying to sell your politics of class warfare then.
We will be leaving you much, however. You can keep Hollywood. Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilera are all yours as well. We will cede the ACLU and Government Schools. Anti-Everything protesters and the love of the French people we also gladly leave.
We do wish you well, we really do. We hope that this change causes you to grow as a people. We hope you will realize that your rights were given to you before birth by a greater power and not after by the federal courts. We hope you will learn that freedom isn't free and many have sacrificed much for your right to spew your stupidity. And if and when you realize that you truly are adults and that Government is not your parent, we will gladly accept you back in the fold.
And lastly always remember that your action are the cause of all evil in the world and oh yeah, no drilling in Anwar!

Sincerely,
The People of the United States of America